Change

Change is coming…

Change is coming.  It’s big, it’s scary, it’s exciting, it’s petrifying.  I’ve been stuck for so long that now the ribbons are unravelling I’m not quite sure how to feel.  Yes, the house has gone under offer.  The right people walked through the door and loved it, as I always knew the right people would.  So now here it is – time to look for a new home.  It feels as if I’m rewinding my life, fast-pasting through the years to when I lived in London, in a little city pad, alone with my thoughts, my dreams, my visions.  Older, yes?  Wiser, unlikely.  Still a bit bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, though my hair is greyer and my hips are wider.

My husband and I will be house-hunting together, but for separate homes.  It’s no big drama, just a quiet realisation over time that we are more good friends than spouses.  His new abode will, I suspect, be chock-full of books and old prints and the warm fug of cooking and beer.   Mine, I hope, will be calm and clear, warm and easygoing, with space to breathe and stretch and just be me, totally me. And light, light and bright.  Our son is totally cool about the whole malarkey, in fact he’s more than accepting – he positively welcomes the shift.  ‘Are you sure you’re okay about it?’ I ask him, worried.  ‘Are you kidding?’ he replies.  ‘Bring it on!’   Dan?  Shared custody.   Actually this took more negotiation than anything!

It’s a big big transition.  Something similar is happening with my work.  I can feel things falling away, making space for the new, for fresh projects, plans, projects.  What exactly?  I have no idea. As Julia McCutchen said on the retreat I attended at the weekend, ‘Let go of what no longer fits.’  And then she added, ‘Yes, even before you know what’s coming next.’  There were nods all around the room – I’m not the only one in transition, not by a long shot.

It’s about trust, isn’t it?  And about authenticity.  More and more, over the last years and in particular, the last months, I find myself unable to function when I’m not being honest and authentic, truly myself.  It sets up deep stress in both body and mind.   A beautiful woman I met on retreat, the magical Diane Faoutolo, said, ‘Life will take you where you need to go. Life will take you to whom you need to be.’  And it will, if we just have the heart and guts to let go of trying so damn hard to squeeze and squash ourselves into people we are not.  It’s not about irresponsibility or fecklessness; it’s about taking responsibility for ourselves, our authentic selves, for aligning our hearts and minds and guts and soul.

So, for now, I’m taking big deep breaths, meditating and staying present in the Now, listening to my heart, trusting my gut, telling my inner cast of critics, judges, and negative worry-monkeys to shut up; trusting that the When and How will unfold in some reasonably decent manner.  Yes, there’s sadness, of course there is, but there is also much, much joy.  And inbetween the two, we weave our wobbly web.