Change

Change is coming…

Change is coming.  It’s big, it’s scary, it’s exciting, it’s petrifying.  I’ve been stuck for so long that now the ribbons are unravelling I’m not quite sure how to feel.  Yes, the house has gone under offer.  The right people walked through the door and loved it, as I always knew the right people would.  So now here it is – time to look for a new home.  It feels as if I’m rewinding my life, fast-pasting through the years to when I lived in London, in a little city pad, alone with my thoughts, my dreams, my visions.  Older, yes?  Wiser, unlikely.  Still a bit bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, though my hair is greyer and my hips are wider.

My husband and I will be house-hunting together, but for separate homes.  It’s no big drama, just a quiet realisation over time that we are more good friends than spouses.  His new abode will, I suspect, be chock-full of books and old prints and the warm fug of cooking and beer.   Mine, I hope, will be calm and clear, warm and easygoing, with space to breathe and stretch and just be me, totally me. And light, light and bright.  Our son is totally cool about the whole malarkey, in fact he’s more than accepting – he positively welcomes the shift.  ‘Are you sure you’re okay about it?’ I ask him, worried.  ‘Are you kidding?’ he replies.  ‘Bring it on!’   Dan?  Shared custody.   Actually this took more negotiation than anything!

It’s a big big transition.  Something similar is happening with my work.  I can feel things falling away, making space for the new, for fresh projects, plans, projects.  What exactly?  I have no idea. As Julia McCutchen said on the retreat I attended at the weekend, ‘Let go of what no longer fits.’  And then she added, ‘Yes, even before you know what’s coming next.’  There were nods all around the room – I’m not the only one in transition, not by a long shot.

It’s about trust, isn’t it?  And about authenticity.  More and more, over the last years and in particular, the last months, I find myself unable to function when I’m not being honest and authentic, truly myself.  It sets up deep stress in both body and mind.   A beautiful woman I met on retreat, the magical Diane Faoutolo, said, ‘Life will take you where you need to go. Life will take you to whom you need to be.’  And it will, if we just have the heart and guts to let go of trying so damn hard to squeeze and squash ourselves into people we are not.  It’s not about irresponsibility or fecklessness; it’s about taking responsibility for ourselves, our authentic selves, for aligning our hearts and minds and guts and soul.

So, for now, I’m taking big deep breaths, meditating and staying present in the Now, listening to my heart, trusting my gut, telling my inner cast of critics, judges, and negative worry-monkeys to shut up; trusting that the When and How will unfold in some reasonably decent manner.  Yes, there’s sadness, of course there is, but there is also much, much joy.  And inbetween the two, we weave our wobbly web.

Comments

  1. As long as you are all feeling all right about the oncoming moves it is okay. Is James moving out ( Uni ) or is he staying with one of you for some more years at school?

  2. Author

    Yes, we’re fine. James will have his own space with both of us, and choose where he goes when. He has one more year of sixth form college to go – so his own transition is beckoning! Exciting stuff. xxx

  3. Author

    Thank you, lovely Kim! xxx

  4. Author

    Aww, thank you! xxxx

  5. Wishing all the very best to all three of you. However “no drama” it is, reshaping a family is not an easy thing to do. You sound very ready and very sure. Good luck with it all. Xx

  6. Oh Jane. Me too. But I’m not as sanguine as you. But trying desparately hard to be positive. Much love and I’m so glad you have an offer.

  7. And I didn’t say, where will the soul puppy be? Soul dog now. You have a great son there. Hope you get your space and light and peace. I’m just back from yoga and thinking about how much the body can soothe the mind.

  8. Author

    Ah Louise…you know where I am if you want to talk, right? Do get in touch if it would help. xxxx

  9. Author

    He’s still very much a soul puppy (people regularly think he’s a pup, even though he’s really very solidly middle-aged!). He will float between us – he’s quite used to having only one or the other around as we both travel so much. But, if it doesn’t work for him, we’ll figure out something different. Yes, my boy is beyond fabulous. I am missing yoga so badly – have a rotten shoulder impingement which is preventing me moving my body the way I like – so glad you get to stretch like that and, yes, the body CAN soothe the mind so much. I did a 5 Rhythms dance class the other day and it was HEAVEN. Wild, free, natural movement. We all need more of it. xxx

  10. Beautiful lovely Jane, wishing you all the luck in the world. I have wanted to I am just not brave enough Jane! You have a great son there. So pleased to hear you have an offer on your house.xxx

  11. Author

    Oh Camilla…wish I could send you a magic courage potion, I really do. Much much MUCH love. xxx

  12. Aw. Thanks Jane, I need a great big kick up the perverbial that should get me going Jane.!
    Truly, wishing you light, peace, and all the happiness you deserve. Much lovexxx

  13. Jane – I’ve been wondering why you were selling. Now I know. The very very best of luck to you all. It sounds amicable and that is the best thing you could wish for. xxx

  14. Author

    Thank you. He’s a dear man and we are the best of friends. xx

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